On 16 th sept 2019

We are our harshest critic which is not a good thing , i in particular criticise my self a bit too much. I understood  the meaning of love thyself, it means just that ,  love ur self , be kind to ur self, forgive ur self.

I feel like a under achiever not because of anything   else but only because am not working and living out of India . That's one thing i have always wanted . But not yet happened.

I do know for a fact that even when my work abroad wish is fulfilled i will still be discontented , and that is because i dont know how to be happy . I have not been happy for a long time .i dont know how that feels anymore.
Is it indifference or is it a shield to protect urself from being hurt i dont know.

Is anyone truly happy, ? And what is beyond happiness , is there an end to this curiosity is there a point where all these thoughts die away ?

On 14th sept

I saw cosmos the series presented by neil degrass. Its a well created series that makes u realise the insignificance of our solar system.  He talks about life on a speck of dust . The earth , the sun the whole solar  system is just a grain of sand on the cosmic ocean.

It changes ur perception that life is something that is fragile and needs to be protected . On the contrary life is strong and survives harshest of climate . It may not be human or animal life but could be microbes , life survives in many forms and lcan adapt to the harshest environment. It's a eternal dance of life emerging and nature either nurturing it or killing it off

It also makes u realise that life is a aberration , the cosmos is happy to keep juggling hot balls of fire or cold balls of ice ,  or the greedy black holes , it's like a vast factory that keeps creating, destroying and recycling celestial bodies. May be life is something that happens unknowingly as the cosmos is busy creating and destroying objects much like a colony of ants in a factory.

On 13 sept 2019

My bday was on 11th sept , all my friends wished me , my parents did not . Since child hood for some reason birthdays were never given much importance in my family.

And that habit is now ingrained in me. Birthdays make u relook at your whole life. i detest nostalgia as i feel  future is more exciting than past . But i tend to make exceptions on birthdays . I listened to all those songs which made me feel cool in my teenage years ...i still like the songs but the emotions don't run high , like when Madonna croons vooooogue i just used to love it , now i just like it .

It's like a shraaadh,  u remember the old you , u hardly miss that guy , but you pay homeage nevertheless to the guy u were coz he made what you are ...

On 9 sept 2019

I Am all dressed  and  sitting here on my couch. Am supposed to go to office , am supposed to earn , am supposed to provide for my family and kid. Of course I bound my self into it pretty much .

Am thinking what is the purpose of all this . Am not a great believer in reincarnation etc , and even if it exists, but if I don't remember my previous birth then it's irrelevant

May be people want to look forward to something even beyond death and hence we invented a elaborate afterlife . It's scary to realise that we live just once